I don’t understand why do I like making myself miserable. I just looked at her again and it feels bad, not as bad as before but yet I am still comparing.
You have got to be amazed by the number of times that I am hit with the lows in life, which is like infinity and not countable. I have no idea what went wrong with me during the weekend. I suspect it was hormones but I was having period then and after it, I am still the same. I was highly emotional, I would cry for no apparent reason and feel sad. Not to mention that I don’t have much sleep lately. School sucks as usual, especially when Ms. Crab always makes a scene, like today. She threatens the lecturer she will complain and make him lose his job. Everyone stares. Wow. Scene-maker. Hands down. Never in my life, I would do such thing unless the guy did something wrong.
I couldn’t sleep last night, because of my head. Ugh. I think I am a huge obstacle in his life that would stop him from doing things. Like last week, he was all ready to go out and because I was making a huge scene out of nothing, and he canceled on his friends. Sigh. Got to cut this short. I need to shower and go to bed.
All I Have
here is a bed. It is the only thing that I spend the most time with and all I ever have here. Pathetic much? And it doesn’t even belong to me, it is used and left by others, like always, like almost everything in my life. I have been spending so much time alone and I feel so lonely and abandoned. I don’t even go out anymore. I don’t know what is going on anymore.
Bugs
I don’t feel well, ugh, I need my mom and dad here. I have really bad tummy bugs, been feeling nauseous for some time. NOOOOO I am not pregnant, I am having my period now. God, I wish I was anyway (sigh, why am I so obsessed with having a baby?) I am not alright to a point that I missed school yesterday and spent the whole day laying on the down. I screw the test today, it is going to be the first test that I will surely fail. Sigh. I am not sure whether to go to school tomorrow. Please make me feel better.
Ms. Firecracker (which I rename to Crab) and I have bought cakes for the two classmates that we usually hang out with today. They both turn 18 and good god I have completely forgot how it was for me. They seem so youthful and happy. I wonder why am I so unhappy all the time. I feel very bad upon seeing how full of live they are. A week has come and gone, seven more weeks to go. Have to submit the application form tomorrow, sigh. And yet I haven’t figured out what to do with myself and my life. Oh geez I am feeling dizzy now and my tummy is acting up. I think I better rest for a while. I wonder how long would it take for others to find out about me being starved to death at home, or alone.
ALONE
I got canceled throughout the day. No therapy for today, boohoo. Now I have no direction in my life. Popped out alone to get my picture taken (need to submit the course application form by this week) and had a late lunch alone. I have been pretty all ALONE these days. Bad thoughts flood my head and i can’t make it stop. I am so tired of myself. I want to go home. Sigh. Going to take another nap for the day and prepare for the freaking test on Thursday.
The Past Week
Have gone MIA officially for a whole week. Have not been replying anyone at all. Nor have I gone online to talk to people. Nobody expect the ones closest to me seems to have noticed my disappearance. A lot of things have occurred during the past week, I will do a small update on the week:
#1 About therapy 1, I spent three whole hours talking and crying. But I am still feeling the same. Still don’t know what is the cause for all these. All I know is, it began with in-acceptance. The therapist described me as highly sensitive and I am a emotion sponge for which is like I been soaking up all the negativity around me without filtering since young. There was no venting for all the unhappiness I have encountered. Most of the unhappiness I brought to myself was not caused by self but others.
#2 Mom left and I felt really lonely, missed her way too much to a point I was sobbing when I had dinner alone. Didn’t prepare well at all for a test but thank goodness I did well. My room is back to a mess. Haven’t done any cleaning or taking care of myself properly. I NEED someone here to look after me.
#3 The presentation I have been yakking about was… disastrous. Everyone didn’t do anything at all and was late. I have been doing the whole thing and presenting it. THANK GOD the lecturer said it was a good slide and I did well. But Ms. Firecracker made a total scene of me not telling her what to do. Hello? She has been throwing tantrums about how she doesn’t give a damn and hell no she would do anything. I ended up leaving school way before class ended. I think I scared the people because it wasn’t like me to be that way. School is still unbearable and so is Ms. Firecracker. I have to fake a smile upon seeing her everyday and pretend that I actually care about her. I have no idea since when I have turned into such a fake person. She was right though, even I disgusted myself.
#4 Though I haven’t decided whether to get back to him yet, nothing has changed a single bit. We still go out and he is still here all the time. But we did have a tough week, there wasn’t much talking and stuff. I was being a bitch this afternoon, I kept making those annoying sobbing noises because of the backache and I cried. I bit myself. And I was mean to him again. I told him I hate him and I kept pushing him away. Because when he was with me, I saw him with them. We had a huge fight some other night ago, I found something out and it bothered, even though it was something that I should be glad of. But still, no matter what he said/done, was wrong to me.
#5 He deleted the EX-files from his facebook, and also the mutual friend (though I wish he could maybe delete another two or so), stop it! I have told him not to do so and he disobeyed my words. I was mad and shameful of what I have become. I never wanted to be controlling and a jealous bitch but these are what I have become. I hate myself so much. Why am I ruining his life? I am toxic and he has to stay away from me. As a punishment for this, I deactivated my own fb. Hope it helps. But I still can’t bring myself to forgive what I have indirectly caused. I have no right to limit whom he befriends with. Fuck. I can’t forgive myself for this.
There is school tomorrow and there is another breakfast date with Ms. Firecracker, though what I really want to do is to tell her to leave me alone and stop being such a bully. There is no motivation to go to school at all. Another day, another week, and here comes another period very soon. I am so sick of my life. I should go to bed now. It is late. Another test soon and I plan to screw it.
Therapy #1
I am unsure whether it works. But one thing for sure is my tears never cease to stop. I sob like a baby during the session, worse than a broken pipe. When I do the past regression thingy, all I see is a half-lit storeroom and an image of my younger self staring fixated at the light. Weird. These images ring no bell at all. Mom has left tonight and I have no one again. Doing the presentation thing now cause nobody gives a damn about it. But at least it keeps me occupied. No sleep tonight.
There Is No Happily Ever After.
If only people knows how I feel deep inside. I am so screwed. I have a test tomorrow and I haven’t prepared well at all. What the hell am I doing to myself. A presentation to be done on Friday too. Sometimes I hate the people in school so much, be a little considerate, we are doing a group project. Why do I get to do all the dirty job? You already know how selfish you are, so why not change, be a better human. School is boring and sucks as usual. Sometimes I wish I was in a different place, doing different things and was another whole new different person than who I am now. Tomorrow will be therapy #1. Looking forward to it, it is my only saving grace for now.
We broke up again, for the zillionth time, and I am sure you all are already sick of hearing this. I think I deserve better, I don’t need to be treated this way. You forgot my birthday after being together for almost two years. We keep fighting over the same girl. The worse is, you keep finding excuses for the stuff you have done. I have had enough of your excuses. You asked what if you really took picture, what is wrong with it? It wasn’t even a couple picture featuring you both. You ARE only friends, you feel no romance towards them. Define friends. I can’t even bring myself to think of what kind of things you have done behind my back when I wasn’t around (we were apart for EIGHT months) and all the shits you have hidden from me when you told me you deleted all the pictures (I dare not to think how many are they). I find it hard to trust you anymore. You feel it is unfair because I dump you over a contact picture. MISTER, look at this clearly, how many times have we gone through these? And I have forgiven you too quickly everytime. I did nothing but the best, you are my top priority. You want me to change my everything and I have listened to you. You DO NOT respect me at all, when you know how sensitive I am with the EX-FILES. You keep challenging me. Now you have done it, congrats, I have reached my boiling point.
I don’t know whether I am over-reacting or what. But I certainly don’t like the way you deal with me and these kinds of issues. You have too much excuses. You say different things everytime. GO BACK TO THEM and stop screwing me over and over again. I don’t need this at all. I deserve better.
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate this place i hate this place i hate this place i hate everything i hate everything i hate everything i hate life i hate life i hate life i hate lies i hate lies i hate lies i hate being depressed i hate being unhappy i hate being without direction. screw you.
Stop Screwing Me Over and Over Again
I hope she is worth all the pain you have caused onto me, be it intentionally or unintentionally as you have said to me. The thought of you lying to me keep echoing inside my head. You said, the data were synced from all the phones. But how come, there is only one contact picture of the ex and not the another. I believe this is a lie. Not all contacts in your phone have a contact picture. Because it obviously looked like you didn’t take it long time ago, and it is clearly taken from the day you hid about going out with her. How many more lies? You still have feelings for her don’t you? How am I supposed to believe in you anymore when we are going through this cycle over and over again. You still care for her, no matter how much you deny the fact. It is always her. I hope you are happy now.
