Home. But I truly don’t know what’s the point coming back. Head spinning, thoughts spurning, heart aching and grudge holding. Same old story. The cycle never ends.
Vivian Writes, Doesn’t Tell
life isn’t all black and white, sometimes it’s in between
GO SUCK YOUR OWN NUTS, RETARD
I skipped school again, today, for the all the wrong reasons. I ignore every texts and sleep until I get tired of sleeping. I have been so depressed again that I can’t function normal anymore. More school skipping expected. Thinking of going back to taking meds, at least then my emotions are slightly under controlled. I had a fight with the leader of the group assignment. He is one of the worse person I have ever met. He insists that this is a group assignment where everyone has to contribute but when I voice my opinions, I get shut out because he believes I should follow what he thinks. He always tell me what should I do. I should be more confident and he will help me. Come on, who are you to help me? You are not a good person, everyone in our class hates you.
There’s another girl in our group, who’s scared of him now ever since he confessed his “stalker-ish” love for me and allows her to do nothing regarding the project. Last night wasn’t the best moment for me. I slammed my laptop, banged my keyboard and almost smashed the charger. I am so glad the conversation didn’t happen on the phone or face to face, thank god for the invention of IM. I was keep swearing. We have serious communication problem. Look I am not a racist, but I have a hard time understanding his English and he always misinterprets what I say, we can’t even get our points across without having to repeat the same old dialogue over and over again. I didn’t have this kind of the worst outburst with Ms. Firecracker, but how come I can’t take it once more with this retard? I have never gotten this angry with the people in school before. I am worried of my own emotional health. There are more and more anger as days go by. My task is to write a brief background for the company which I have been struggling to complete (being depressed doesn’t help at all, can barely concentrate in class). The other two in our group only submit the information to the leader which that could be easily copied and pasted out from the articles. What’s more ridiculous is the retarded leader ask me to write more stuff on not so the theory part but more on the practical side, while his job is to find excuse to spend time and talk with the girl, checking our work and correcting it.
This is a group project, but he breaks all the parts out to individual work, there is no discussion involved, it is all his views and what he wants. I gave up fighting last night and to one point, I told him I don’t care about anything else, I just want to get this over with and will send him the thing when I finish. But he won’t let me to do so, because I am not in line with his visions and ideas and blah blah crap. I have to meet his friend, because he highly admires what the friend does with the assignment, group breaking down into part, not doing it together, all those crap. He claims it’s very efficient and I must go and see this dude to understand it. I give him a flat no and he is like, “why? why? I believe in you. Why everything you say in CANNOT? I want to help. I will help you.” I tell him flatly I don’t need him to believe me or help me. Because if you are really a helpful person, you would have start listening to me and be fair.
Call me a crazy person for fighting with him. I am going to quit this group even though the deadline is next week and I am on my own. I tell him this and he retorts with, “what? you think you are going to do better than us?” Just what kind of a dickhead is this person? Even the girl he claims to love, wants to quit and join me, because he makes her feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to look like as if I am causing a scene when I talk to the lecturer about this and please, no racism crap involved in this. It’s not like I don’t work with people from other countries and such. Ask my other classmates and my past lecturers, I am that of a bad person. I can actually be much nicer to you if you stop telling me what should I do.
Please. Tell me honestly. Am I wrong? Did I over-react? I feel so terrible lately. I keep crying myself to bed. My housemates are home but we never talk. The weirdest part is they never realize there is something wrong with me, just because I have a bf and they don’t have a gf.
Wish I Was Different
I am back to the old negative self, beating myself down constantly and making myself feel as horrible as possible. I feel like I am the worst person ever existed on earth. What is the difference between me and those people that I have constantly criticized on (like ms. firecracker and etc)? I am just not any better, even worse at some point. Why can’t I just have a normal life. I only want to feel and sustain the ever so short-lived happiness once again. Focusing the good tiny things instead of the bad only.
Besides being all moody and grumpy, the suicidal thoughts are back as well. There has got to be something more in life than feeling wanting to be hit by a car everyday. I am wasting my 21 years on earth, what’s the point? The more I give thoughts to it, the more I feel like I don’t deserve to live. There are people who are in worse situations than me yet they are struggling, what rights do I have to feel this way? I hate drifting in life, but at the same time, even if I make plans, things never go my way.
My PMS hormones seem to be getting worse again, by month. I don’t want to get upset with him to have anything to do with girls. I can’t possible dig his eyes out for the rest of our lives. Or stop him from talking. It isn’t like he is cheating. Do I really have to be this psychotic and possessive? My whole world revolves around everybody but not myself. Why do I try so hard to impress the people who don’t even care about me and hurt those who cares about me so much. I brought all these pains and sorrows to myself, didn’t I? I have no right to blame others.
My insane head seems to be able to find something to haunt me and leave me miserable for the rest of my day. Today it happens to be the time that I found the picture of the famous X in his cell contact. I want to ask about it so badly but I really don’t want to cause another senseless fight that leaves both of us hurting. So I have to vent here, wishing it will go away. If she isn’t important, why would he have a profile picture of her? And why would he delete it when he comes here, does that mean he is trying to lie to me? And his answer was asking me why can’t he have a picture of a friend, it doesn’t have to mean anything.
See. My head is so screwed. I am really sorry that the bad side of me is taking control again. No wonder nobody reads this junk anymore. Anyone who at first thinks it’s refreshing and insightful to read a crazy rumbling would have got bored by some time. But I don’t. This will be the 6th year. I am not even sure what have I done my whole life, no contributions and no significance. Even if I am gone now, it doesn’t make a difference. I want to give up so badly.
Shut the world out.
Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. But who is going to have mercy on me
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