Vivian Writes, Doesn't Tell

When the cold hard truth slaps you right in the face

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:30:38 +0000

I have dug my own grave, upon discovering the picture of him dancing and drinking. I broke down and cried. But I did send him a copy of the picture and ask who the hell was that.

The Past Baggage Brought Forward

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:35:06 +0000

As the clock hits 12 and it’s a new year, I sort of expect my life to turn a new leaf automatically. But, no matter what I do, he still affects me. I hate how bitter I sound when we text (which is very rare, cause he’s clearly too busy to text). God knows what should I do in order to go through this difficult time. He doesn’t want me, loud and clear. Yet, I’m still clinging on and can’t move on. It’s bad enough knowing that he had a great new year eve bash that lasts till 5 in the morning and see pictures of his red tipsy face. I don’t even know who he is anymore. I want to stop feeling the pain. And as his bff is on the way flying over to see him. I hate myself even more.

Christmas/Annimisery

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 15:57:49 +0000

I have tried my best to try to be happy for the time when I’m back home. All my hard work goes straight down the drain when it gets nearer to xmas. On the actual day, I can’t even function or act like I’m fine anymore. I have whined to him that why isn’t he with me this xmas and his reply goes “do I have to spend every single holiday with you?” Ouch. I don’t mean to spend every single one with him but since our last meeting was horrible and all I want is to patch things up without leaving it dead. Stupid of me, anniversary falls on xmas day as well, this is why i cant be happy. I even got mad at him for spending christmas in vietnam with 3 of his female classmates. He says one of the male bails out on them and leaves earlier. I try not to be jealous but i can’t lie that im not hurting on the inside. i can’t force things. he even asks what if he cant come back for jan or he has to stay somewhere for work. he really hasnt thought about me at all. i wont be graduating at least until early 2013. that means the chances of me following him is slow. i dont know why am i making myself going through all the pain. i should have just let him go since he doesnt even give a damn about me… all i want for christmas this year is… for you to be happy again, and no more me ruining your live….

Longest Hour

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 04:53:00 +0000

It’s a torture to stay wide awake in the middle of the night when it’s so quiet, you can hear different sounds. I feel so lonely. This is the 4th day that I have gone without talking to him. I wonder does he share the same restless day as me too, or he has just gotten on well without me. He most probably has given us up, doesn’t even bother to save us from sinking. I must have been a burden to him. I don’t know what am I doing at times. I can’t do anything. I want to go out but I don’t have the heart to go out and see that everyone has someone by their side while I’m always alone. Tell me what should I do. I’m dying bit by by.

Can you hear the silent screams that come from deep inside of my heart
Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:34:08 +0000

I have just woken up from the most vivid and horrible dream ever. Everything has been felt so real and I have been following every single emotion, literally feeling the pain. That leaves me awake with a pounding and insecurity. The dream starts off with him and I in the room, arguing or something, then I have caught him cheating and managed to get him to tell me who the girl is. The girl is a new classmate of him (whom I have really seen on facebook in real life). I can dream all the full details of the facebook page and a provocative profile picture of her in black bra and panties. Yes, I do dream that much detail. I keep asking him why does he do this to me and does he know that it is hurting me a lot, that he has promised not to cheat. But he just shrugs off and refuses to talk to me. The whole thing is so cold heart-ed. In the dream, I sob and yell until I have no voice. Then I couldn’t take it and take the keys and run downstairs in tears and PJs. (Forgive me for being over dramatic, I can’t really control how it goes) I charge down the street and proceed towards the main road. Along the way, guys who may be police are forcing a group of people to be in line (supposed to be illegal immigrant or something else). Weird detail. He follows right behind but stops in front of a car to talk to someone (in chinese! which he isn’t fluent in). I try to get myself killed but he doesn’t even care. SO I end up hitting him with my bunch of keys while he is talking, demanding to know how exactly he has cheated. I could feel myself dying bit by bit when he pours out the tiny details (what they did, where, etc). The scariest part is I am too weak in the dream that I have plans to end my life. Then that’s when I wake up with a jolt and a weird feeling in my chest.

I don’t know is it a sign or a warning. Probably I have been thinking too much and due to the chaos lately. I will be having an exam tonight, honestly, this is the worst subject I have ever done. I don’t get what’s been taught all semester long. It certainly doesn’t with all the crap that has been going on. I try to make it up by studying for it. But I don’t understand at all. All prepared to fail. At least this is not the worst thing, I can still pass. I have finally managed to stop myself to text him for a full day but I turn the wifi for a gazillion times just to check whether he has imessage me (I’m using an Ipod). The thing is he doesn’t know whether he wants to be with me anymore. That hurts. Every time I try to have a talk, he claims he is busy and tired, not ready to go into it. I have lost the ability to know or feel whether he really still wants to be with it, since he has never put me as a priority and never really think of me. I can’t deal with it, you could say I’m avoiding or something. But I’m so scared of losing myself and crying for hours all the time.

=s

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:46:29 +0000

Why am I not surprised at all upon knowing the truth? It’s not that your parents do not let you come back, you are the one who don’t want to come back. You know how much your departure has impacted me. Yet, you wouldn’t take the time and effort to check whether I am alright. I am not saying that you going traveling with your new found friends is all wrong, I would understand if that’s what you want. But once again, being in a relationship means that we should discuss our plans together. The initial plan was for me to come over and visit you. You changed the plan all of a sudden. How many more times are you going to do this to me? I am never your priority. Never am included in your life plans. May as well be gone for good and let you have the life you want.

Rollercoaster

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 03:08:09 +0000

This is like my head.

Some day, I feel like I can be fine, and deal with everything. Some day, I am at my worst, can barely handle anything at all. At times like these, I feel like it’s probably time to get back on anti-depressant. But I don’t like the effect and I figure I need to learn how to deal with everything and not depend on the chemicals. The truth is I am so scared of losing him. I keep on contemplating whether I should go and visit him. But a part of me seems to think that it’s probably time to put my parents as the priority since I am never his. I haven’t even gone home and spent christmas with family last year. Instead, I have spent with his. It will be our 4th anniversary. I keep on justifying my thoughts by thinking that we would have so many years ahead, and I should focus on the present with family first. Tell me what should I do. He will be leaving on a trip with his friends next week and I am feeling rather off. I need peace. I try to pray every night. Hoping things would be fine soon. He has no time for me.

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:11:05 +0000

Clear blue sky

Self Doubt

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:58:35 +0000

Lately, I have been questioning myself whether I’m a horrible person. Sometimes, I can’t help but feeling as if the world has turned its back on me and everyone is against me. The first case is, his friend (whom I have gotten close with) has gotten mad at me while I have no clue at all. Basically, he is mad at me for not telling another friend that Im not attending a dinner. We haven’t been talking for weeks. That feels kind of awful, since I have seen him with friends all the time. I remember him saying he would never abandon me like others did. This isn’t the first time someone has said that to me, but it happens every single time. Is it a self-fulfilling prophecy or I just sort of giving in to “fate”?

I got so mad last night. But I guess something is different in me, since I sort of being less affected now. I have been asking my new housemate out since she has moved in but she keeps giving me excuses and believe it or not, ever since we been staying together, we haven’t had done anything together. I text her to ask for dinner but she doesn’t reply. So I knock on her door, she doesn’t even want to come out to talk. Is there something wrong with me?

Vivianwritesdoesnttell — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:28:13 +0000

At times, I get really frustrated with myself, how could I still be so affected by him. After all that he has said and done, it occurs to me that no matter what I do or say, to him and others, everything is my fault. Dignity lost. Is it worth everything to make it work? I don’t know what to do anymore. I think about what went wrong day and night, waiting for a text that will never come, torturing myself when I should have been doing something else. Life has become pathetic. All the signs pointing that I should leave here, I’m no longer welcomed. All is lost. And it’s all my fault.