Darkness has won again, no surprise there. Darkness – infinite wins vs me – nil. Everytime I think I’m getting stronger, darkness comes back and hits me harder than before. And it happens more often than I hope it would be now. This time, it has taken 4 days away from me. So much negative and self-loathing thoughts swimming inside my head, which has not happened for a while. Dear darkness, even though I’m not back at my feet, yet mustering all the strength I have now, I can still be flipping the bird at you.
As much as I try to deny it, others’ opinions of me matter. I crave approval from others since very young. To a point that I hate to admit that I want to be seen as the person who do good and be ignored of all the mistakes I make. One person can do a million of good things but be defined by the one mistake they make. This is the world we live in.
I grow up, picturing a life that I want to live in. So different from where I am now. I always think that I would achieve more… but in the end I am where I am now. I have always wanted to climb the corporate ladder. Once again, to prove the world that I could do so much more, money and recognition. I don’t know why since young that I know I don’t need a man to have a baby nor do I need someone to complete my life. I try to be tough, I try to learn new things so that I don’t need to rely on others when occasions arise. I try to be independent because I know at the end of the day, I can’t depend on others and I hold the key to happiness and survival. That make me bitter and guarded, make me build a wall so high up that no one could ever surpass.
I want so much more. I want to be this and that. I want to study at this or that school but at the end of the day, I am here now. I know what matters to me the most. And I don’t want to live my life in regret. That’s the worst way someone could spend their life. The best strength I draw from the situation is the ability to be alone. I am still trying to figure a lot of things out, I am slowly getting there. I will not be loved for who I am. People will always have opinions of me, be it I do good or bad.
No matter what, always try to remember what matters most, even when it’s hard.
Don’t know when or how did growing up has a moral stick up my arse and make me a moral police with no room for error or living. I can’t seem to understand a lot of decisions that are made by others or even let myself make the same mistake twice.
I am almost starting to believe that March is a cursed month, when every year things seem to go awry for me for no reason. It has started last week where nothing in particular has happened or triggered this but somehow I am incapacitated by nothing. I have seemed to have lost my will or motivation to be positive about anything at all. Everything comes down like an accident but also a natural occurrence at the same time, in a weird way. I have avoided human contact in the best possible way, not that I have been when everything is fine.
It has been a long time since I have lost control over this. It feels familiar yet at the same thing I feel like I can’t defeat this. It always boils down to the thing that we are most comfortable with. This reminds me of how much I can hurt others when I intend to. When I no longer project love and kindness, I somehow form a scary defense mechanism that repels people. It is an irony that for someone who can show so much love (or at least I thought I have been) can hurt people in the same multitude.
The brain has always been the weirdest thing alive ever. I can’t begin to tell you the things that I have been remembering since the very last time it occurs – the smell, the feeling, the details… it’s scary how much I can actually remember. For someone who does not remember much about what have I done for the previous day, I seem to have gained the ability to remember incidents that occur many moons ago. I can remember the smell of the morning market where I use to walk her through the carpark, I can remember the crackling of the firewood where we spend a lazy evening in after a dinner of stew in the cold… There are a lot of things that I am unsure of due to insobriety throughout the years, but weirdly so I remember a lot of things that does not matter then… let alone now.
I almost want to point out in a proud way that… you know… it’s been 2 years since D day. Since my world has been turned upside down. I want to yell to the world that I am fine. But at the same time, who I am lying to? I am fine, but I am lost.. I have kinda expected this… yet I am getting impatient of the things that’s not happening. And everytime I feel this way, something’s shitty bound to happen which I hope this would not be the case. While I can lie myself into a hopeful future, I can’t seem to lie to myself that maybe I won’t get this, I won’t get that… then it may be too late. I put on a brave girl’s face telling people that I am fine alone, but am I really fine deep down inside? I laugh about my insecurities and joke about them.
The truth is, I don’t show how scare am I… I am afraid to be alone till the end… I am scared of no one loving or accepting the real me… I am scared of dying alone… I am scared of not having anyone or kids forever… I am so scared of making the same mistakes… I am scared that I will always be alone… All the what-ifs… what if I will never fall in love again… what if I will never trust anybody.. what if I will never let anybody in again…
Then I look at the real world, somehow I have got the right reasons to justify my actions. Friends in relationships juggling options and friends in marriage seeking real love beyond their vows. Sometimes, I don’t know if I should count my blessing for living vicariously through others’ lives.
Holy s, I do miss marketing more than I ever know and admit, from watching Emily, minus the perfect wardrobe, work capabilities/knowledge, confidence, and eye candy. I miss working on a campaign, brainstorming for ideas. Those were the days that I will never live and relive again. Knowing dreams mean nothing right now. Hating life like always.
While under the perfect circumstances, love is essential and it is quite the thing that makes the world goes round. On the flip side, it can turn into a scary thing that brings out the worst in a person. I do wonder sometimes, are we all in love with the idea of love or do we really love the person unconditionally? It does seem that love nowadays has certain conditions tied to it.
Regardless of a person’s IQ and EQ, we more often than not tend to focus on the wrong things, especially when we are too close to the situation. Those things that can be crystal clear to others but not so obvious to yourself. It is not as if we do not understand the fundamentals of a lot of things, but when we are too close to the matter, it is almost as if we are incapacitated and exhibit signs of helplessness. The scary part is we all tend to be like that when it comes to dealing with relationships. It is very scary to see how one loses himself/herself while chasing for things that may not be right for them. Even when deep down, one knows there are issues/red flags, one still blindly pursues hard and relentlessly. If love does take away inhibitions and cause us to act recklessly, isn’t it more terrifying than wonderful?
We always say we have to look at the bigger picture, it is easier said than done. It sometimes takes a very long time to see things from a different perspective, especially if you are still in the situation. The thing is, we are aware of certain things deep down yet we still refuse to accept the reality. Then, we continue to torture ourselves by running from the reality. Not doing anything about the situation is as bad as self-sabotaging. And what I think is the craziest part of the entire scheme of things is that even when we notice the red flags, we create reasons to overlook and compensate for them. If this is how I have been when in love, I rather not fall in love ever again. That plus the reason that I am one of those rare oddballs who is at their best when alone.
I don’t know what drove me to watch this one video last night – of a couple announcing their amicable divorce of 10-year marriage. By fate or irony, especially on this date. It’s been a year since I left the place that I previously stayed at for 10 years (see, 10 years. What a sign). I felt almost everything they shared in the video – they worked and lived together and eventually grown apart. I felt that very deeply and I kind of understood the problems they were talking about. Lack of space and communication will kill any relationship. I have always understood that but never really seen how it can drive people apart until it happened to me. Plus the mindset of “there will always be tomorrow” and taking things and people for granted really didn’t do anyone any good.
Space is really important to everyone. Their situation despite not the same but it was very similar to my life for the past few years. And the obvious difference was that the ending was much more terrible and awful unlike theirs. It did give me something to think, for everything that began in its own beauty and magic, didn’t necessarily guarantee an ending the same way. They will continue to work together as business partners while I couldn’t, as I wasn’t involved in the business (thank god for that) but I treated like it was my business. Some days I would feel angry for the things I have done and at the same time, I would also get an get angry at the things that I wish I could do better. And when the ending comes, I just handed over what I have built to the next person. Looking back, my personal and work life got entwined in messy knots that dragged me down into the pool of monsters. I think I took work too personal in a way I did a lot of things that may not be necessary but I did them because I thought I was helping. I could relate more to the guy in the video – inability to cope with overwhelming stress and being an introvert. The thing was that though I always brushed it off in a smug way, but it was very difficult to separate work and personal lives. When you started to have less to share with each other, it would slowly turn into a habit, especially when two people were together almost 24/7 and knew what each other was up to, so there was not much to share.
It should always be a warning sign when you are too busy surviving and forget to live. There’s obviously still a lot of things to figure out and it is easy to have all the what-ifs lining up inside my head telling me what could have been different. The bad thing is that during this time, I keep questioning my self worth and who I really am. The constant inner debate of what if something is really wrong with me, is it a character flaw or is it a dysfunction. It scares me sometimes, being afraid of letting others inside the wall that I have built around me. If it has been hard getting to me, It is now even worse. Now that I can go weeks without talking to people and I don’t feel bad anymore whereas letting people catching a glimpse of who I am can push me over the edge. I feel bad for not having savings and not doing enough. I don’t know what should I do in the future anymore.
While you think the most memorable memories are the big moments that bring smiles to your face every time you think of them, it is the simple ordinary moments that we miss the most instead. Those little moments that you may not really pay attention to or notice of when they were happening – like how if someone’s habit annoys the hell out of you back when you can still see each other and you get snappy, someday it hits you like a train that you actually miss that annoying habit. For me, I think of the happy little dance, the guffaw that happens once in a blue moon, the silly conversations, the laughing and crying together, the snippets from traveling, the child-like behaviors that you can only show to each other… until it all stops. The list goes on and on.
I saw this in a book the other day – “You’re never going to be the same again. But one day, you’ll be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but one day you will be.” Healing is never linear, it is instead going to be ups and downs. I have never regretted of having to have the people in my life except for the things I have said or done when I am drinking but definitely not me to say “I wish I never met so and so”. I have said this many times, still a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. I can’t control the outcome and what others’ actions. While I believe I have done the best that I can for those who close to heart, I know certain words and actions do hurt them, and those are my only regrets. For those who doesn’t matter, I don’t bother much. I try not to understand the meaning behind the words and actions cause I have no answers. I don’t want to create stories inside my head to understand the process. Each person brings lessons and opportunities, kind of like Russian Roulette, you either win big or lose all.
A lot has crossed my mind this week. Things can get clearer then not. Wheels turning and pieces clicking in, some things make sense and some still don’t. They say, memories change every time we conjure them up in our head. Maybe someday I can see things in a different light. I still have trouble sleeping. I still have dreams about people and things that I wish I can stop having. I still feel bad over every random things that happen in the past. I still feel bad for no reason sometimes. I still have many half-written pages that I decide not to put up here. Little things/reminders that will jolt my brain, making me relieving the feelings all over again. There is a lot of uncertainty and unrest going on around the world now. I think we have always known innately what can we do to make things better. But applying what you know is a whole different case. It’s still not too late to apply them on what you still have. I have either really blocked out the right people or trust the wrong people at times. I can be biased with people sometimes with my gut feeling but still seem to have chosen the wrong ones always.
Gratitude is very crucial, despite sometimes I do get jealous of what others have and I don’t. Life has really thrown me off the track completely as this is definitely not how I picture life is by now. I should be grateful for what I have now. Last year, when I first returned home, I was a horrible monster that I kept hurting myself and the people who love me. I was lost for a very long time and I didn’t know what was I really doing most of the time. I am still lost now. But I learn that patience and empathy go a long way in life. If we can all just try a little more, maybe things will be better. Nobody knows what is going to happen, but at least got to have the courage to try harder.
A year ago, I told my friend that I didn’t want to live anymore, thinking that it sounded less scary and dramatic than I want to die. It was one of those insensitive moments that made someone sad again, thinking I was could just be selfish even just for a second. She cried and told me to never say that anymore. I told her I didn’t understand what went wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it this time. I was so sick and tired of the repeating cycles. There were no words to describe how I really felt then. I was broken into pieces, and I couldn’t even pick myself up except for letting myself falling harder and harder. It was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness that drove the outburst of those unpleasant words. I didn’t say words like that out loud anymore even during my hardest times and I blurted it out without giving it a thought that night. I was on the brink of losing my sanity. It was a period of uncertainty and chaos. The loss of control… over everything, including myself.
Little did I know, the sentence wasn’t complete till I realized what it really meant – I didn’t want to live anymore like this. I found and lost myself so many times throughout the years. Each time thinking maybe I have finally cracked the code and figured out the better way to get through it. Then emotions would come rushing in and took over my body. For years, I have tried different ways of getting through it. To keep myself content with the life I have, I confined myself to a routine that eventually drove me to madness. I didn’t allow myself to have anything nice in life other than obligations like basic social, minimal self-care and work where I thought I was being useful and worthwhile. I didn’t allow myself to get close to anybody, afraid to find something outside what I already had that may drive me out of my comfort zone and betray my principles. I banged on the same wall over and over again, expecting different results. To put it simply, I took away things that might make me happy because of some mistakes I have made. I made a decision to punished myself because I couldn’t forgive myself and I wanted to make sure I will never ever make the same mistake again of hurting loved ones.
Wrong ways, despite with the best and right intentions, didn’t right any wrong. In the end, I lost everything – the everything I tried so hard to keep. Life can be pretty ironic that way. We all did things that we thought was right that certain time with our best knowledge, thinking it was the move. Was it a wrong decision? I couldn’t tell, all I knew was it can be hard to see through things if you don’t look at it in a different perspective. And it can be hard to do so, cause during those times, you are in too deep and emotional to see it. Sometimes, maybe deep inside you knew it won’t work, but yet you still put in every effort hoping it would work out in the end. Faith and hope helped. But blind faith and hope won’t. Neither will same actions and expecting miracles. And my own cockiness didn’t help. I thought for sure certain things won’t happen not because of me, but because I just didn’t expect my tables were turned. The cliche “I thought you were different” or “You are not that kind of person that could things like this”.
So many days and nights that I couldn’t get through without drinking. I didn’t see it as a problem back then. I just thought it was my reward at the end of a long day to unwind. It was a way to numb myself and to escape that horrible head of mine. It was a scary place to be aloof in. I was the most unkind person to myself in the world. It was true that you are your own worst enemy. There was never no reason to not drink. Drink to feel better, drink to numb, drink to soothe the nerves, drink to sleep, drink to release the tears, drink to stop the tears… the excuses went on and on. I was slowly killing myself through the way I was living my life, though I never said out loud that I want to die. My actions were so much louder. I was a train wreck heading straight for self-destruction. Those were the times when I couldn’t trust my own words too, let alone others. The darkest hour was not when people didn’t trust you, it’s when you didn’t even trust yourself anymore.
“When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others.” – Oscar Wilde. So true. One enters into love with a rose-tinted vision and heart full of hopes while leaving love with a lot of excuses. I wonder if we do see the red flags at the beginning or we just choose not to see them as red flags, instead we see them as a plus.
I think we often underestimate how cruel we are to each other. I use to think that in a gender specific way – like opposite gender but I have learned to see it’s not a gender issue, it can happen to anyone anytime. I still can’t get my head wrap around the things that I have seen and heard – the things we do to people we love at one point. Things people do to so-called friends. It is already hard enough to accept things that we do unto stranger. I am not perfect, I have made mistakes whereby I wish I can undo, mistakes that worth nothing as compared to what I have. All mistakes are irreversible and most of them are not worth it, trust me, coming from experience.
Emotions get the better part of me again – just when I thought maybe I can beat it this time round. The past continues to haunt as hard as I try to block them out. Since young, I doorslam people, I didn’t know the term till last year. It’s something I do, to completely cut out people from my life – I tell myself it is for my own good, to protect myself. Now, I am not so sure, for me I guess, it is kind of an out of sight, out of mind strategy, hoping I can leave the past where it should stay. I no longer open up to people, nor do I talk to anyone for weeks. It’s scary how much emotionally unavailable I am sometimes.
I think of all the things I will not have, so different from plan. All the things I will never be part of, never be the one I wish I could be.
Except for us, or me at least. This is supposed to be one post. Now it becomes a chronological series of thoughts over the past weeks that I have been trying hard to complete. It all begins with a suppressed emotions that I couldn’t fathom or stomach. That leads to pent up emotions and finally – outburst. Day 1 is mostly trying to keep to myself and bite my tongue. Day 2, cue the urge to drink – proceed to drink more than required and over sharing. Day 3, the shame/guilt takes over. Feeling like there’s nothing I can ever do right. Sleep too much to nurse a hangover and to not face the reality. For the following few days, all I can say is it has been an attempt to fully give up on living, hence sleeping more than 20 hours a day. Neglecting personal hygiene and eating only when necessary, and little to zero communication with an extra dose of I-don’t-give-a-fuck in anything. Side effects include the lack of ability to connect with anything or feel any emotions. Those are the days that I speak less than 20 words per day.
I have wallowed in this dark hole for a few days now. I wonder if it’s because I have not left the house for the past 2 weeks. It’s almost as if I’m reliving the nightmare one year ago by punishing myself to do the same thing. It could be due to my subconsciousness is reminding what could have been… Another 2 years that we are not… whatever we were. I’m in a complete shutdown mode again, feeling numb and kind of emotionless, except that sudden twinge of irritation or pain that comes unannounced. There’s a part of me which is upsetting myself that why do I still torture myself unnecessarily when I could have put it behind me.
Somewhere along day 6 or 7, comes this thought.
The Snake is Always the Best Friend
Strangers rarely or never hurt you, cause well, they are stranger afterall. The thing is you always thought you have things or someone figured out till things went sideways. When things end or move on, the past always ended in boxes being stored away somewhere to be forgotten. Or so we hope. Hindsight always tell us what we should have notice or seen after something has happened, but the problem that’s what a hindsight is, we are not born to see the bad in everything. And maybe we will never really know someone, truly. Sometimes, we know people and see them in the way we do, not that it’s wrong, it’s what we see but there is also parts that we don’t see.
I have tried to find a relatable way to explain what depression is for years. The sudden epiphany is that the current situation happening to everyone is exactly what it is. Except the current pandemic is much more of a physical one and less of one that is present inside your head. The same way it is that it is fatal if left untreated and unaware. The same way it makes keep distance from each other, one is to keep people safe, the other is to remove all possible help. With all the uncertainties going on, there are anxieties, fears and unrest within a lot of people. The loneliness is real, though sometimes it’s hard to see if you are really lonely or just alone. Being trap inside your head can be a horrible way to pass time, especially if you have a very imaginative mind. When you shut down, your perspective turns inwards, that’s the scariest part. Cause you no longer see the light in anything, all you see is the darkness within.
These days are hardest, cause random flashbacks of past memories come back to haunt me at random hours, keeping me up and hard to breath. Racing thoughts nonstop torturing me, making me scrutinize every single action and conversation. I try to block them off by sleeping through it for 5 days with sleeping aids.
The Timing of Everything
After the past year, the more I believe in everything happens for a reason. A lot of people find it hard to cope with this period of staying home, it comes easy for me. Only hard sometimes, when the memories rush in to haunt me. By Day 7, I simply keep myself busy with cleaning my room and trying to stay up for more than 3 hours a day. The next day, as if everything is fine and I am back to normal. The down has left me for the time being.
Don’t know why I keep thinking that this is an intervention for everyone. Time to reconsider what is really important to us. Time to pick up things that we are always too busy to do. Time to connect with people. This is a time where we have a lot more time for ourselves and be more present with our thoughts, and sometimes feelings that we may not be comfortable feeling. At least, this is how I feel. Then comes the day that used to mean something to us once upon a time. This week is a week when all the past memories surge in and drown me. All the little details – all things that went right and all things that went wrong. Last year this time, consider to be a very challenging time for me. I don’t remember much of my actions except for the pain and I numb that with a lot of alcohol. I seek solace and company in alcohol. I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with, and I don’t think people really understand me.
Again, this week, the memories of the beers, the food, the roadtrips, the hotels, the a lot of things came back. This year, to block away the pain, I turn to reading. I have read more than 25+ books in 2 weeks. I may not remember all the details cause I seek the escape from my head and the reality. I even have dreamed that I am still there this year, planning what to buy for the stay at home period. Funny how our heads work. Somewhere along the way, I lost my head, a lot. Somehow the past few months shed some understanding to my behaviour, how much I like to be alone sometimes. I realize human interactions drain my energy and I need time to recuperate from that. Not that I hate them or anything. Plus most interactions I have for the past few years are mostly induced by alcohol, I need the time to bury the embarrassment and all sort of other funny feelings I may had as a side effect.
Be Here Now
After that few days of too much sleep, here comes now. I have not slept till it is 8am daily for the past week. I don’t know why, not that the black dog has return once again trying to drag me into the endless dark. I have officially not left my house for more than 30 days. Breaking my own personal record. This week is scary too, I have lesser flashbacks but occasionally still have moments whereby I beat myself up for the choices I made in life, some can really go back way in time. I even dream of having had to work with her, like how we all used too. I have had several dreams of that, waking up angry and frustrated. One thing I have discovered for myself is – I can’t be stuck doing the same routine for more than 7 days then I will become depressed/angry and shut down. That explains the past few years.
I think I have lost faith in humanity and relationships, not love. I still believe in love to certain extent. Aren’t we all falling in love just to wait for each other to fall in love with someone else? This is somewhat influenced by the events that I have witnessed when growing up and definitely of what have happened to me. Not the end of the world, I know. I am very much grateful for what I have. I am starting to question people’s action and behaviour. Not that I have any right to judge them. I feel that I have always see the world in black and white, not a shade of grey. But the world now seems to be in 50 different shades of grey. I don’t know what is commitment anymore. I have seen how people can hurt each other, with their actions, including myself. Then I tell myself, I don’t need to understand, I just need to make sure I do not do the same thing ever again.
Maybe love is simple being there someone even when they don’t love themselves. I don’t believe this kind of love exists anymore, at least for me.