The only thing that I am sure of after all these years is – I thought I knew myself well enough to know when I am okay and when I am not. It is getting harder to figure that out recently. Given that I am stuck with both states. In a certain way, I am deemed okay but at some point I am not. This is particularly obvious when I have been staying up on Friday and Saturday. Perhaps I am so scared of sleeping and waking up to the reality again. Weekend is my happy place.
I stop talking and caring again. I do some things more and I do some things less. Moodwise, I am not sad. It is just anger at times and feeling lost. How long more can this go on without breaking down? I am feeling at peace but at the pit of my stomach it is stirring uncontrollably. Am I lying to myself again to make myself feel better? I don’t know. The only thing I am certain with is I am running away from the reality.
Perhaps it has something to do with my upcoming birthday, last year as a 20 something. What have I achieved? Who I am and what have I done all these years? These questions haunt me. And I have been living as if I have split personalities/slightly schizophrenic. Why? Because I have an angry bitter self during the day and the weirdly sentimental me comes out at night or after a couple of drinks. I have slammed the door to my world in the face of everybody but sometimes I let them have a glimpse of it. I don’t exactly know how many “buts” have I used today so far, but as you can see. I am unsure. Every sentence has a but. Almost as if I can’t decide.
I am stressed and unhappy about certain things. I know I can choose the other way – let go and enjoy life. The thing is I JUST CAN’T. One of the strength and my biggest downfall. I do wonder everyday, is it worth to cut all other ties in my life for whatever phase I am in now. No doubt, I have been selfish. Nobody needs to know cause they can’t help. Everyone has their own lives to live. Putting up a front that I am okay for those who don’t see my everyday. I am pretty sure my whole life is written on my face for those who sees me everyday. It is obviously there is something wrong with me.
Throughout the years, some weaknesses have gotten better – they don’t bite back at me that bad anymore. Some still affects me. It depends. It is scary to live day after after not realizing what you want in life. What makes you happy. I will happily tell you I don’t care and I just want to get through the mess now. It is not helping. I can’t do anything about it as well. Maybe I am too stubborn or I can’t let go. I don’t know. I mean, enough regrets for the past years, why am I giving myself something to regret in the future. Lessons not learned?
Can’t help but wonder if there is something more in this life for me. Rather than being the grumpy old me who is spreading the unhappiness around. I can get pretty nasty/passive-aggressive when things are not okay. I am courageous enough to make a change yet I know it is necessary. I have been stuck for so long. There’s no one to vent to. All these are driving me to my dependable friend – alcohol. How much can I drink? Apparently quite a lot. It is not good for my health, even when I am not eating much, I am gaining much every day. I wake up tired or I can’t even wake up at all.
Vicious cycle indeed. The way I see it is I have never really gotten out of the cycle all these years. It is simply different triggers every single time. Fighting to see every sunrise and also run away from the day. I don’t want losing something again in order for me to see the right way.
Viv Writes, Doesn't Tell 