The Rebel Behind These Words

I am a libran. Used to be depressed, now seasonal or hormonal. Hate to admit that I have hit the big 3 and I have turned into those heroines I have read on books while growing up. (Can you believe I started this blog when I was 21). Used rant too much, cry too much, whine too much, write too much, think too much, you name it, anything I did is just too much. Now I wine too much instead.

Let me give an update on myself now based on the things I said about myself a few years ago.

Things you should or probably shouldn’t know about me:

– I am depressed, on the verge of bipolar, and maybe adding in a little OCD too. (OBVIOUSLY) still depressed sometimes… but it’s just part of growing up. GET OVER IT.

– I like books, I read a lot and shop for books a lot. You may find me lingering inside a bookstore for hours. STOP reading but would pick it up again anytime

– I still haven’t graduated from high school and without a driving license. *AHEM* aiming to get one by this year. Graduated from university, got a job, left the job and now unemployed.

– Food means a hell lot to me. I appreciate fine food. Enjoy cooking.

– I used to sleep for hours. I love staying awake at nights and sleeping during the days. Still enjoy the nights.

– I am an animal lover. Especially dogs. I am attached to my beagle, Angel, by the hip. We share the same fork, bowl, and bed. Grossing you out yet? Angel is growing out and she’s suffering from congestive heart failure… I don’t know how much longer she has with us… Angel has left me.

– I don’t have much friends. I talk to less than 5 people in a day, which include my parents and if you count my dog too. Yes, I am pathetic. From not talking to people, I do talk to people now on my good days. HUGE IMPROVEMENT. – still not talking to people.

– Funny enough, I like doing house chores. The smell of detergent is strangely soothing to me. And I knit like a grandma but without a rocking chair and a cat on my lap. NO LONGER love house chores. My room is a total mess. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

– I crave caffeine (both coffees and teas). Need them running constantly in my bloodstream. Still love caffeine but I LOVE ALCOHOL BETTER. Just kidding (maybe). Don’t worry I am not an alcoholic.

– I don’t eat any kind of fruits at all. I don’t even touch them. Develop some sort of phobia towards them since I was young. STILL DON’T!

– Allergic to seafood except for fish. So don’t ask me out if you plan to have seafood. Started to develop some craving for squid and scallops….

– I burp disgustingly and I snore loudly sometimes in my sleep. It’s a shame I can’t burp the alphabet song yet. Still do but WORSE.

– I am addicted to Disney channel and its corny movies and songs. Sometimes… when I miss the old days.

– I like making useless lists on useless stuff, apparently,  like this one. NO MORE.

– My worst confession = I cyber stalk people. Oops, still do… with better skills. There’s nobody that I can’t find.

– I hate my bf’s past/exes. I don’t know what is the cure for it. Sometimes during drunken moments. [Update: we broke up. So this is a cure to the hatred, now I hate my ex.] in the past 10 years, I have been dumped by 2 people. My heart is beyond repair now with the broken pieces all over.

– There are far too many CAN’Ts in my life (which I shamelessly admit and post): can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t drive, can’t draw, can’t cycle, can’t rollerblade, can’t skate, can’t bowl, (in fact, those sporty activities which require me to actually move around, I have never tried any of them)… There are far too much, I can never list them all out here. *sigh* I CAN NOW

10 thoughts on “The Rebel Behind These Words

  1. Wow I was going to ask you out but you don’t like seafood. I was even going to let you have your own fork. The burping and snoring is a huge turn on. Too bad you don’t fart, that would make you a home run.

    Yeah, I know you actually do fart and the dog is only there for you to blame.

    BTW you are a good writer.

    LOL you really make me laugh. Thanks for dropping by to read and leave me a comment. Sorry, I am taken and I don’t like to have another relationship. It is complicated enough. Thanks.

  2. Hi! I hope I’m not intruding…But I am just wondering how a girl like you who can be clear-headed in many ways about herself can feel so out of place in the turns and cycles of each day. I know what it feels to be depressed, frustrated in many things that one hopes to happen or achieve, yet I keep my hopes alive within me. I nurture my spirit with the firm belief that I can get there, do it, or at least, had done ways to see if I can survive it, whatever it is I am trying to do or hope for.
    All of us have our little unfulfilled wishes; tiny dreams that accompany us while we grow up and mature. You are only 20 or about that age, too young to give up on the many possibilities that await you; opportunities that you have not encountered yet in your life. I can say that because I was hit by depression in a much earlier age than yours–I was then only ten years old.
    Yet, I passed through it (I am now basically more than twice your age). Of course it wasn’t an easy thing to do; it just doesn’t happen, and with all the “bad things” going away. My point is, give yourself a chance–to see what is on the other side of every day without expecting much but believing that everything–all of these things that are pulling you down and kept pushing your face to the ground–will pass, just like an hour. Who knows what the next hour will bring? A phone call, a blogger’s reply, a text message, a card, an invitation, or any little thing that will lift up your aching heart. Don’t give up, vivian…you must never give up, even if, there is no special reason or someone for doing it.
    Good luck, and may your spirit find direction and meaning in your life. (I agree with penneddragon, though–you are a wonderful writer!).

    Thank you so much for reading my senseless thoughts and leaving me a comment. I have been receiving a few comments from kind-hearted person like you. I am trying hard, not to give up. Thank you again.

  3. Hi Vivian… just came by to browse your blog (thank u for sharing it with me). I haven’t had a chance to read more than 1 – 2, though I will do so… just want to tell u to not give up on anything… have faith in yourself and life… Have strong belief that everything happens for a reason, what is meant to be will be and everything happens for the best… not to forget God only helps those who help themselves.

    Will be commenting away soon… if you don’t mind! 🙂 Have a wonderful day.

    It already means a hell lot to me that you are willing to drop by and visit. Not to mention dropping these kind words. Thank you very much.

  4. Hi Vivian,

    My name is Michael and I’m a fellow blogger.

    A couple of days ago, while doing some random searching across the web, I came across a blog on – I also discovered that the author had “re-posted” one of my fiancee’s poems without permission and was trying to pass it off as his own writing.

    After doing some additional checking, I discovered that almost all of the written content on that site had been “cut and pasted” verbatim from WordPress bloggers. Your post: “Have you missed me?” was one of them.

    I don’t know if you gave permission for that person to “re-post” your writing, but in the event that you did not, I wanted to make you aware of the situation.

    You can see the “re-post” at:

    Best Regards,

    – michael –

    Thank you so much for notifying me regarding this event. I have no idea about it at all. I left a comment on the blog requesting the author to remove the post. Though I don’t think the author would do that, he seems to be copying a lot off others. Thank you again for letting me know.

  5. Love me or hate me, but I would like to say this… depression is usually rooted in being self-focused. I have been there myself, and still struggle with it, but not as much as my younger years. I had been in a depressed state throughout most of my teens, and adult life.

    If any of us are brutally honest, if we look at ourselves too much, we would ALL be really depressed. There is a key. And, it is majorly significant. Do something for someone else. A random thing, a random act of kindness. Help an elderly neighbour, volunteer somewhere, etc etc… You will feel a release, I guarantee you! Also, go for walks in a nice park, along a river, where ever. It will stimulate those endorphine thingys.

    Lastly, but most essentially important. Jesus. He is the healer of your heart and mind. Ask Him into your life. Give Him a chance. Even if you don’t believe. Give it a chance, what do you have to lose? Nothing. I would be dead by now, if I didn’t come to know Him. Truly, ruly!

    Not meaning to preach to you, just wanted to offer you some help. Take it or leave it…

    Sweet girl, life is just beginning for you 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by to read and leave me comments. And the encouragements.

  6. Whoa, you got plagiarised! You know what that means-that means you’re good.
    Oh, and you already know this, mais tout le monde est fou. Everyone’s crazy. A lot of my friends do some pretty freakycreepyscary stuff, and they are lovable and unforgettable and the very bestest anyway. Aaaaaaaaaanyone you ask (if they trust you) thinks there’s something wrong with their brain. ‘S just a part of the human condition. Sometimes it’s pretty cool. When you’re insane, it is so much easier to write a song, be heard and get some money, and power for it.

    1. hmm… not sure how should i feel about this. so you agree that i am a psycho. sigh. i am sorry you have to read through all these crap, especially the craps with the exes. ugh. i feel stupid and retarded and frustrated all of the time. super ugh.

  7. Correction: I agree that you are a human being. Unusually candid, which is actually good, but human.

    And it’s not like you’re holding a spitting cobra to my face so I’ll read it. Anyone who does does it ’cause they want to.

  8. I always had an urge to make a comment on your “rebel behind these words” page! I guess since I’m full-on stalking you now, I should do it. I remember when I first saw it, I thought how alike we were, haha. So many ways. The way we make lists. The way we can’t do normal, easy things. Books, and food. But you know what I like about you? You can actually put it out there and not be ashamed of it. That’s a WAY bigger step than I have ever made. It’s not that I don’t see who I am. I really do, haha. Unfortunately. But I simply can’t be as okay with it as you are, and in a way I get jealous!! >_< Haha, but not the bad jealousy.

    Since I know you so well and I got to know you through this site, to me it's a blog that I think really fondly of and that I really enjoy reading. Mostly because I'd like to be there to help, and if I can't communicate through e-mails or anything else, I know that you come here to write once in a while. I like that you do, cause it's like your sanctuary.

    Haha, I remember the first post I read of you too, and I always try to find it but it's difficult to remember the exact words in it. All I remember is how I felt when I was reading it. I understood you so well. I'm happy we're friends. 🙂 I'm happy that I care about you so much and that we are both like twins, haha. I like knowing that even if you are all the way over there, I know that there's a girl, not very far apart in thinking and feeling, and around my age too. Of course I want the best for you, but whether you are happy or angry or sad or excited, I know that all those feelings come through us in a similar way. We are the same, no matter what we're going through.

    We should send traveling pants!!! Hahaha, too bad I'm probably much chunkier than you and longer. I've always wanted to have a group of girlfriends that I could share pants with, or anything with.

    Okay, this is getting off-topic. What I wanted to say, though, is that I love you and even if you may hate most of the things you put on that list, I love a lot of them. And the things that are negative, I have always tried to help you with. 😀 I think I have never made a list like that because it would almost sound like I copied you, which I definitely don't want! Instead I'll just keep it all to myself and trick everyone into thinking I'm so great, haha. Which after reading my writing they'll realize I'm not.

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